Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
