highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Sober January is a disaster.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
