Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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