Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
