: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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