a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
