what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
