i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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