Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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