I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
