my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
