everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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