I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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