Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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