Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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