o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize