Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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