fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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