Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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