remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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