I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
