she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
