Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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