there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
