that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
