I cannot find my penis.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
