I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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