If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
