I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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