How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
