So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
