Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
