I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
