He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
