I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
