woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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