now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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