Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
