All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
