Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
