Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
