a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
