you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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