Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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