she was so not down for the gang bang
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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