my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
