so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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