We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
