chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You ruined the universe
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
