My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
