his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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