I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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