Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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