There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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