Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
